Cassie’s Journey with God

This is a blog post that I have been hesitating to write for some time. I have felt a specific call in the midst of our specific call (moving to Japan) to share my struggles. I have been trying to be diligent in obeying that call, but only in person, and only when prompted. Is it really information that is suitable for the masses in blog form? I know we have to blog to keep everyone up to date, and we have only shared it with people we know and love and want to continue to have in our life, but… Through text in an online format feels more vulnerable. So I declined. And God prompted. And I declined. And He prompted, and I declined. And this process started to feel all too familiar. So now I am sharing.

For those that don’t know, we are on this journey with God. We are Christians who have always tried to follow His will for our lives. Normally, His will has not been so specific. But here we are. God called us to move to Japan. We still don’t know why. But the calling has been clear. It has been confirmed again and again. And despite this whole process being kick started by my spending weeks in prayer desperately pleading for God to show me what He wants me to do with my life I have been having none of it.

It all started with Starbucks and grad school.

I have long tried to follow God’s promptings and have felt inadequately equipped to interpret them when I receive them. So I go with my instincts and hope that God made me with these instincts on purpose and that through following my own path He would reveal His path and show me when and where to turn.

So I was working at Starbucks and they paid for a bachelor’s degree for me. I had no intention of getting a degree, but it was free, so why not? I got my bachelor’s in Psychology. In case you didn’t know, there isn’t a whole lot you can do with just a bachelor’s in Psychology. So I went to grad school. And I had a mental breakdown. I was unable to continue. So I suppose that wasn’t God’s plan.

But I still worked at Starbucks. So maybe that had been the plan all along. I went ahead and shot for management since everyone had been suggesting it to me for 6 years… But now I was in a different part of the country. With different coworkers. And none of the people who were rooting for me were actually there to recommend me for the position. So I was passed over for a time.

It turned out I had gone about it the wrong way anyway, so I was put on a development plan. I was put into a failing store and tasked with turning it around. And I rocked it. Everything improved. Every single metric. And morale improved, too, which I think is more important. After only three months, I was about to re-interview, which after that level of success would basically be a formality, and then I would be promoted.

But I did not want it.

It was so obvious and so clear that I would be miserable in that position. So instead, I quit. I didn’t have to quit. But if there was no longer a future there and a path forward, why continue?

Here begins the praying. And praying. And praying. What was I actually supposed to do with my life? I was out of ideas. Every plan I had ever come up with had been shot down. So what was I supposed to do? Wait. Listen. Be ready to obey.

And then the call came. It started out as a fun thought experiment with Teddy since I had quit and he had gotten a fully remote job. We could go anywhere! Where would you want to go? Where would you want to live?

I quickly set my heart on Germany. And then I really wanted to pursue it. Teddy felt like we were supposed to move, so why not there? Because God had a different plan. And He was ready to speak.

When Teddy and I had started dreaming dreams, I had a few deal-breakers – things I would veto.

1. I wanted our cats to be able to come with us;
2. I was not willing to live in Asia (I had a pretty digestionally traumatic experience in Indonesia a decade ago, and I was not interested in a repeat).

So guess where God called us to.

Asia.

Without our cats.

Here begins the real story. The reason I’m writing today. Because I have to tell you that I have been kicking and screaming as God has dragged me along this whole time. I have been, predominantly, miserable. “But how, when you finally got what you had been praying for? You are so clearly and evidently in God’s will!” Fortunately no one has asked that question but me. It is possible that if they had they would have been slapped.

I was saying the right words in my prayers, sure. That He would tell me what He has for me. That it can be anything and everything and I will go. All I need is direction. This is what opened my ears up enough to finally actually hear His directions.

But what I really meant was “God, please give me the desires of my heart. You put them there, right? So why haven’t you done it all yet?” Well, because He isn’t actually the one that put those desires there at all. I wanted that Earthly life. I wanted a life that looked good and envious to anyone who saw. Because it is so easy. #Blessednotstressed

But I obeyed. I made the plans to go to Japan. Even when it meant leaving my cats behind. I found a way to continue. Even when my cat died. I found a way to continue. Even when Teddy lost his job and our tiny bit of security disappeared. I continued. Begrudgingly. Yelling all the way.

I hope that my family won’t agree with this… But I am pretty confident I made everyone who visited Japan with us have a miserable trip. Because I was miserable. “Do you want to go see this beautiful thing?”, “No, I want to stay home and cry. But sure, whatever, I’ll go. Surprise, I’m still miserable here when surrounded by beauty. Who could have guessed it.”

That’s why I haven’t been posting on this blog. There is plenty to rave about. Objectively, I know that. I don’t have any praise in me. So I let Teddy do the talking.

Now I want to tell you about this week. Perhaps the hardest and most blessed week of my month, year, or life.

We got wonderful news. News which I don’t think I can share publicly as it is not mine. But it is wonderful. And I could only receive it as misery. There was cause for celebration and joy and what did I see? I saw God taking something from me.

Again. AGAIN. AGAIN!!!!

I want to be a person you can depend on. I want to be there for my friends and family in every victory/celebration and in every defeat/hardship. But I will not be able to be there. Because I will be in Japan. Stupid. Fucking. Japan. But then I realized we didn’t actually get a definitive no. We got an assumed no. Maybe we could go! Maybe this was my way out! With that little bit of twisted hope I turned my ears back on to try and hear what God had to say to me.

He had a lot to say. Not on that topic at first. We had some catching up to do.

On Sunday He reminded me of His promises. He reminded me of His plan for me that has hope and a good future for me in it. But I still didn’t quite believe Him. There is a part of me that has been growing that really doubts that God understands the definition of good.

(Reminder here as this is quite sacrilegious that I am being honest and vulnerable about my process. God is Good. That is an unshakeable, irrefutable truth. But BOY does it not feel like it when you are caught up in your own ideas of what He should be doing. Ok? Ok.)

So I cried some more. I told God more about how miserable I am and have been and that I do not see a future without me being miserable in it. So Teddy gave me an assignment. He told me to look for joy in the world instead of misery. Actively choose positive thoughts. Actively cast aside all of your complaints.

Now we’re to Tuesday. And Tuesday was, quite possibly, the most joyous day I have ever experienced. I might do a separate post about it later. But my happiness was unshakeable. Monday was a holiday and so we had not gone out to explore because we assumed everything would be closed. Turns out, no! Everything that is normally closed on a Monday was instead closed on Tuesday so that everyone could enjoy it on the holiday. Oh. So we tried to go 3 different places that were closed. And it didn’t matter. Because we had a fantastic time going to and from the different destinations just enjoying the weather and each other’s company.

Wednesday I was really hoping for a repeat performance because I wanted that to be my new norm. If it is just about having the right mindset and then your life can be so good? Sign me up! But that wasn’t Wednesday. Wednesday, was about peace. I spent the day with contentment rather than joy. Things went wrong and went right and I didn’t seem to mind either way. We did the typically stressful thing of trying to downsize our bags and repack for the next journey. And I was just along for the ride. We went and tried to sell some things to Book Off! (we had a half full backpack) and it turned out you can’t sell things to them without residency. And that was fine. I took it as a sign that some of those things were things we were meant to keep. And all was well.

Until we got to talking about Sunday’s news again. Did we know if we could go home and celebrate? We had been praying. We had been asking for signs. It didn’t seem like we had heard anything… But we had.

I had.

He told me 3 different ways that we were not going. It was exactly the same as when He warned me that Susie would die and that Teddy would lose His job. I kind of had an idea. And then I started thinking the idea was a hunch. Then then hunch was just the truth and He had told me early to soften the blow. This blow… was not softened. With this blow came regression.

And that brings us to Thursday and Friday. Fully regressed state, yelling at God and telling Him how little He knows about goodness. Meanwhile He is whispering truths. Not because He is timid, but because that is the gentleness with which I needed to be handled. I yelled. He whispered. And He kept working.

Joy comes from obedience. Peace comes from trust. How am I expecting to receive these gifts when I refuse to acknowledge the Giver?

The work hasn’t stopped there. And I am sure it won’t stop while I am alive. But this season He is making heart level changes in me. Revealing deep rooted bitterness, hatred, and envy. My devotional that I did today was so well timed. As you might guess of the one who controls the universe, He has good timing. The devotional was about repotting a plant. When the author had a plant that got sick, his first thought was that it needed a new environment. So he got it a new pot. But when he went to transfer it he saw that the roots were rotting. The rot needed to be taken care of before the plant could flourish anywhere.

I am the plant. I have been letting this bitterness and judgement rot me from the inside out. How was I supposed to flourish when I took the rot with me to my new home?

So the work continues. With hope renewed. Giving thanks for the work and the One who is doing it.